Broken Angels
by thesewordsareknivesenough
Summary: Alec is lost, lonely and broken, but his family never notices. The only light in his life is his sisters best friend, but he hardly notices him either. Rated M for mature themes, self harm, eating disorders and sex.
1. I

**TRIGGER WARNINGS**

**self harm, eating disorders**

* * *

><p>The phone buzzed quietly on the table beside him, but he ignored it. Lying on his back on his bed, staring at the ceiling, Alec sighed and contemplated getting his phone. It was incredibly rare that it actually buzzed, but he had no idea who it could be. Eventually he propped himself up on his elbow and reached for the phone. Clicking the power button, it revealed that he had one message from Jace.<p>

Jace: Dude, we're on our way home, Mum's pretty pissed at me, you should probably get your butt downstairs and start making dinner like she said, or she'll get pretty angry.

Alec groaned. Shit, he'd forgotten that it was his turn to make dinner. Stretching, he stood and padded softly across his carpet, playing with the end of his shirt. He slouched his shoulders as he walked down the winding staircase in what could be described as the family mansion. A three storey stone house, complete with marble pillars and expensive artwork that he despised, the house was excessive for the family of six, plus the cat. Alec lived on the third floor by himself, his bedroom, private bathroom and small lounge area with a small kitchen giving him enough independence as the eldest child of four.

A note on the kitchen counter from his mother gave instructions to make a salad and penne romana. Alec sighed, why couldn't they just eat simple meals like ordinary people. He started working on it, and had just finished cooking the pasta when the front door opened and his family tromped in. They had been at Jace's football game, but Alec had pretended he was sick to get out of going. The games were always boring and uncomfortable, and watching a dozen fit guys running around would just make it worse.

"-I don't see why that was necessary, Jace!" His mother was yelling angrily.

"He called me a cu-"

"Language, Jace!" Maryse retorted. "It doesn't matter what he called you! You do not knock someone over, sit on their chest then slap them!" Alec sighed again. Jace had some serious anger issues, it had gotten worse recently but it was just getting annoying by this point.

Isabelle and Max, Alec's youngest siblings walked in quietly behind them, Isabelle snickering slightly and the exchange between her adopted brother and mother. Max was reading a comic, his face scrunched up in an effort to keep in glasses on his nose. Alec grabbed his shoulders softly and turned him just before he ran into the kitchen bench, and Max kept walking in the new direction, barely noticing a change.

Isabelle gracefully ran upstairs while Jace continued arguing with their mother. Alec finished the sauce and made a salad, putting it all on the table before walking sullenly back upstairs. Noone acknowledged him.

Alec collapsed on his bed, enjoying the peace the third floor gave him. He closed his eyes, thinking back to how he was so invisible in his family. His father was on a business trip in Montreal and his mother was trying to balance her work at the hospital and raising three kids, forgetting Alec.

It hurt him how they could overlook him so easily, how he was never really there, not important in their lives. He got up from the bed and walked to his bathroom. One wall was completely dominated by a mirror, a large spa sat in the corner and the shower was big enough for six. He stood in front of the mirror and stared at his reflection. Just stared. After a few minutes he moved, opening the second drawer and pulling an object out from underneath some hand towels. He sat in the oversized spa bath, not feeling the cold ceramic through his clothes. He lifted his sleeve, scrunching it up around his upper arm and brought the object to his wrist. In a sweeping motion, he made a cut, then another, and another. He enjoyed the way the blood flowed around the curve of his wrist, dripping onto the white of the tub. He made three more lacerations before taking a brown towel from the bench, and pressing it to his wrist. He didn't even feel the pain anymore, he was just numb inside. He deserved this, he thought. This is what he was meant to be.

He took a square gauze from the drawer and stuck it to his arm and pulled his sleeve down. Running water over the tub, the blood mixed with the water, becoming lighter with every second before it was clear again.

"Alec, dinner, come!" His mother yelled up the stairs. He glared at his reflection one more time before sauntering out the door and down the stairs, not really wanting to go. In the dining room, bowls had been laid out, but the only person there was Max, but he was still reading his comic.

"Max, honey. Could you go get Isabelle please?" He nodded vaguely and continued reading.

"Max, now."

"Fine, I'm going." Max was eleven, but was old for his age. Even though he read comics and liked action heroes, he was an academic and played sports. Alec thought he was extremely popular at school, but didn't know because he went to the middle school.

Alec sat down in silence and stared at his plate. It was heaped with pasta and salad. This is enough for three, he thought. I'll get more fat.

"How was your day, Alexander?" He shrugged and kept staring at his food. Alec could feel Maryse staring at him, waiting for an answer, but she wouldn't get one. He didn't really see the point.

Max and Isabelle came down the stairs, saving Alec from Maryse's gaze.

"I love it when Jace is grounded," Isabelle mused, "It's so quiet."

"Don't be patronising, Isabelle." Maryse scolded. There was silence for a few minutes as they ate, but Alec just kept staring at his bowl. Eventually, Isabelle noticed.

"Aren't you eating, Alec?"

"I ate earlier," he mumbled, barely able to be heard.

"You shouldn't mumble, Alexander." Maryse said, "or eat lots of snacks, you've spoiled your dinner. Now eat."

"I'm not hungry." He mumbled, staring at his lap.

"Eat your dinner, Alexander. Now." Sighing, he picked up his fork and poked at his food, eating some salad and a few pieces of pasta slowly, the others finished eating. Isabelle and Max left and Maryse went to finish some work. Alec got up, grabbing his bowl and tipping the contents into the kitchen bin.

Back at his room, he went back into the bathroom, feeling ill. I shouldn't have eaten, he thought. I don't deserve it. I'm too fat anyway. He stood in front of the mirror and lifted his shirt. He put one hand on his toned stomach and turned so his hip was to the mirror. He made a sound of disgust and walked into the small room with the toilet. Taking two fingers, he put them in his mouth, tickling a spot at the back of his throat he always knew made him sick. He knelt as his vomited, granted not much, but emptied the contents of his stomach.

His face was wet as he washed his hands, eyes avoiding the mirror. He brought his hand up to his face and realised he was crying. Stop. He told himself. Stop. Now. The tears flowed more and choked sobs escaped from him. He sat on the floor, leaning against the wall. Stop. Stop.

His arm itched again. That compulsion always ate him up, to feel the metal against his skin. It was taking him over, consuming him.

Stop.

He was hiccupping as he cried now, his torso shaking with every breath.

Stop. He yelled at himself. Stop.

He could feel himself hyperventilating, his breaths uneven. His head started going fuzzy from the oxygen.

Stop.

The cupboard under the sink had spare razors in there, he remembered. He scrambled at the handle, pulling the door open. He smashed a razor against the door, the object breaking, the metal falling to the floor. It cut his hand when he broke it, but he barely noticed. He pulled his baggy jeans down slightly, exposing his left hip. He made a gash, and another. He had stopped crying now. This was what made him strong, kept him going.

He sat, unmoving on the cold tiles of the bathroom. The bleeding had stopped long ago, but he just sat, staring at nothing. His stomach crinkled under his shirt as he brought his knees to his face, and he felt anger at himself. Why couldn't he be normal? Just fucking normal.

A while later he got shakily to his feet and washed his hip and hands. Throwing the razor in the bin, he stumbled to his bed and lay there, trying to fall asleep. It was always hard falling asleep for Alec, thoughts always came back to him.

* * *

><p>Alec woke the next morning and groaned, he hated being awake. Glancing at the clock on the bedside table, it read 8:14. Shit, he was late to school. He didn't get to sleep until about 4:30 and was tired, bags under his eyes weighing him down with the thoughts.<p>

Alec pulled on another shirt from the floor to replace the one he had on and went to piss. He came back out and grabbed his bag and started the long walk down the stairs. Jace, Isabelle and Max were all running around eating and trying to get dressed with Maryse talking non-stop over their comradery. Alec walked past to the car and sat dejected in the front seat, waiting for them. Eventually they came out the front door and climbed into the car.

Alec sat in silence during the ride and attempted to tune out his siblings bickering. He rummaged through his bag and pulled out his phone. Putting his earphones in and turning up his music as loud as possible without his mother complaining about the noise, he stared out the window.

At school, Jace and Isabelle ran ahead to find their friends and Alec guessed Jace was going to find the latest girl he was interested in. Look at me, he thought. Just look. For a moment.

But they didn't.

It was the last week of term and the students were excited. They ran around, causing havoc and pissing off teachers. Alec sat in the corner by himself and watched them. How are they so happy? He thought. How do they do it?

Isabelle walked past with her best friend, Magnus. He was perfect - perfect hair, perfect make up, perfect chiselled abs that Alec could die for. He never noticed Alec though, like everyone else.

"Alec!" Isabelle yelled. "Mum texted me, you have to take the bus home, I have cheer practise and Jace has football practise, yeah." He nodded and wondered why she didn't just text him.

Isabelle and Magnus went back to giggling and chatting about some magazine release at a nearby bench, and Alec watched Magnus. He loved the way his lip curled when he laughed, the way his hair bounced slightly as he spoke.

The bell went, interrupting Alec's train of thought, and he reluctantly got up to go to English.

Classes seemed to drag on, but Alec's only consolation was that there were only two more days of school. When the final bell rang, he grabbed his books quickly and shoved them in his bag and all but sprinted out of the room. The bus stop was on the other side of the car park, and Alec dashed across quickly to avoid the crowds, and them.

They were a group of jocks who had apparently decided that making Alec's life a living hell was their life goal. There were two groups of really popular guys at the school, Jace being in one, but not this one. Jace's group tended to get into fights with this group, hence the slapping at the football game. Jace's popularity seemed to help them go easy on Alec, but not often. Today seemed to be a good day, and he made it to the bus stop quickly without running into any of them. Sebastian Verblanc was the ring leader, and enjoyed tripping Alec over in the halls whenever possible.

Reaching the bus stop, he stopped running and sat down on the bench. After a few minutes, a jock arrived, apparently taking the same bus. He spied Alec and grinned toothily. Shit, Alec thought.

The jocks were sometimes alright on their own, never really attacking Alec unless in the company of their friends, but this guy, Jeff, seemed to really have it out for Alec.

"Hey, Lightwood." Alec looked around, there was noone else there. He tried ignoring Jeff and put his earphones in.

"Hey, I'm talking to you!" He grunted, pulling out Alec's earphones. He tried to snatch them back, but Jeff had one finger under his chin and was grinning at him in a way that invoked fear in Alec. He pulled him to his feet, pushing him back against the bus shelter and attacking his neck with his mouth.

"You like that, huh, Lightwood." He said forcefully.

Alec wimpered. "Stop, please." His voice was quiet.

"You want it, don't you, Alec." Jeff look at him. "Don't. You." He held up a fist.

"Please." Alec tried to move off, he felt desperate, vulnerable.

Jeff reached out, grasping Alec's crotch and massaging the area. Alec tried to pull away, but Jeff had him trapped against the shelter.

"Hey!" a voice rang out. "Get off him." Jeff turned to look and saw Magnus, who had pulled up in his car. He backed up.

"If you tell anyone about this," he glared at Alec and Magnus, "you will be sorry." He ran off down the road, back toward the school. Alec gasped for air and let his legs buckle. He sat against the bus shelter breathing hard. He wrapped his arms around his torso, wishing he was in his bathroom alone. He could see Magnus through his blurred vision hovering above him, asking him something.

Magnus didn't know what to do. The boy looked like he was having a panic attack, but he didn't know how to deal with this sort of thing. That prick Jeff was touching him, for fucks sake! He knelt in front of Alec and put a hand on his arm. Alec jerked away, his eyes finally focussing on Magnus.

"Don't, I'm fine." He muttered, still hyperventilating. "Just leave."

"Alec, you need help."

"Leave." A single tear left Alec's eye. "Please." His breathing had slowed, now he just looked broken. Magnus thought for a moment before reaching out and lifting Alec, who squeaked.

"Get off." He said, loud. "Don't."

"I'm taking you to my car, Alexander, I'll give you a ride home."

Alec was crying again. "Don't touch me." Magnus listened and put him down. "I'm fine."

"No, you're not. And I am giving you a ride home, you're my best friends sister."

"Fine, just don't touch me." He was talking quietly again, not wanting to be heard.

Magnus got into the drivers seat and gestured to the passenger seat. "Come on then."

They drove in silence until Magnus broke it. "Alexander, you have to tell someone about this, about Jeff."

Alec shook his head and looked panicked. "No, no."

"Why not?" Alec was quiet.

A few minutes went by. "What happened to your hand?" Magnus asked as they were stopped at traffic lights.

Alec fingered the gauze on his hand where the razor had cut him. "Nothing."

"It's obviously something." Magnus retorted. "What happened?"

"I was making dinner." Alec muttered, "Accidentally got it with the knife." Magnus didn't look convinced.

They reached Alec's house and he got out. "Thank you, Magnus." He was so freaked by the incident, he had forgotten to fangirl over Magnus driving him. He allowed himself a small moment.

"Please don't tell Izzy." Alec spoke. "About Jeff."

"Take care, Alexander." Magnus winked before driving off.

Alec didn't sleep at all that night.


	2. II

The first rays of sunlight danced through the bathroom window onto Alec face at about 6. He was sitting fully clothed in the bathtub wide awake, despite not sleeping at all. He hadn't cut himself again, but had just sat in his bath all night, numb to the world. He could hear movement of his family downstairs as Isabelle always woke early to do her hair and make up, and Jace was usually woken by whoever was up, light sleeper.

Alec could hear footsteps coming up to the third floor and he pushed himself up from his position, cracking his stiff shoulders. There was a knock at his bedroom door and he padded into his room to see who it was. Isabelle stood in the doorway.

"Hey, oh you are up! I'm making crepes, you want some?" She seemed way to hyper for someone who had been up at the crack of ass.

Alec shook his head, "I'm good." Isabelle smiled and turned around to leave, but Alec stopped her.

"Has..Magnus said anything to you?" She looked confused.

"No, why?"

He shook his head. "No reason."

"What happened to your hand?" She asked.

"I got it with a knife while making dinner, no biggie." He murmured.

"Let me look at it," Isabelle moved to grab his hand and he jerked it back.

"It..hurts. Don't touch it." He snapped. She held her hands up in defeat.

"Fine, gawd Alec." She sauntered off down the stairs and Alec watched her go, wishing she would care more. Wishing anyone would care more.

He turned back to the bathroom and locked the door. Pulling his faded black shirt over his head, he stared at his torso in the mirror. He had a few scars littered over his hips and some bruises on his shoulders from jocks at school. His ribs stuck out, each bone outlined distinctly. His stomach was sunken, collapsed past his ribs. He poked it, feeling disgusted by his appearance. He unbuckled his belt, letting his baggy jeans sink to his ankles. He stepped out of them, wearing only his black boxers. He turned the shower on and tested the temperature with his uncut hand. He had always liked ridiculously hot showers, the steam and sting of the water seemed to drown out everything else.

He dropped his boxers which were already loose on his waist and climbed into the shower. He could feel himself crying again. He sunk down so he was sitting on the floor and rested his head on his knees. The water ran over his head as he soaked in the searing pain the hot water brought to his scars. He cried for a few minutes and was startled by a knock at the door. He scrambled to his feet and splashed water in his face.

"Yeah?" He asked, croakily. He was surprised by the voice that answered.

"Hey Alec! It's Magnus. Uhm, I came here this morning to finish homework with Izzy because we forgot or just couldn't be bothered doing it, and it's due today."

"Okay?" Alec answered. He turned the water off and stood there dripping.

"Anyway, she's in the shower and knowing her, she'll take at least half an hour. I was wondering if you wanted to talk about yesterday." Alec stepped out of the shower and allowed himself a second to panic. He was naked, his clean clothes in his room and Magnus was here.

"Not really." He called through the door as he wrapped a towel around his waist.

"Are you sure? I think we should, and maybe do something about it."  
>"No!" Alec panicked again. "Please don't."<p>

"Just come out of there, Alexander, please?"

"Could you go out to the hall?"

"Sure thing, Alexander." Did his voice sound sultry? Alec thought. And who even says sultry?!

Alec waited until he heard Magnus shut his bedroom door before unlocking the bathroom door and peeking out. He wasn't there.

Pulling on a clean pair of jeans from his dresser, Alec rummaged around for a shirt. Just as he found one, the door opened and Magnus walked in.

"Shit!" Alec jumped. "Get out! What the fuck!" He turned his back to Magnus and clutched the shirt to his chest.  
>"Sorry, shit, I thought you would be finished getting changed." Magnus had the decency to look sorry. He started turning to leave before he turned back.<p>

"Alec, honey, what happened to your arm?" Alec froze.

"Please leave."

"Alec." Alec still had his back to Magnus and by this point had the shirt wrapped around his arms, but it didn't cover the scars on his torso or his exposed ribs. Magnus took a step toward him and touched his shoulder blade.

"Alec, please look at me." Alec let his long, straggly hair fall over his eye.

"Why?" He whispered.

Magnus turned Alec's shoulder so he was facing him and gently took his arm with the gauze on it. Alec tried to pull back, but Magnus insisted.

"Alec, what happened to your arm?"

"Nothing." Alec averted his eyes and took his arm back, pulling his shirt over his head, which covered his arm completely.

"Alec," Magnus said gently, "When was the last time you ate?"

Alec paused for a moment then shrugged.

"You have to tell someone about this, Alec, they can help you."

Alec swung around to face him, finally meeting his eyes. "I don't need any fucking help. I'm fine. There's nothing wrong with me."

"Alec, you can't do this to yourself, you're hurting.."

"No, I'm not. There's nothing wrong with me!"

"I'm not saying that, I'm just saying you need to talk to someone, maybe your mother?"

"She doesn't care about me." Alec mocked.

"How often do you do this to your arm?" Magnus said in a voice that demanded an answer.

Alec didn't answer. He pushed past Magnus to the bathroom and shut the door, locking it behind him. He leaned against it, breathing heavily. He didn't know what to do now that Magnus knew. What if he told people? Then the jocks would have even more reason to hate him. They'd know they were getting to him.

"Alec," Magnus said. "I'm sorry, just please talk to me. I won't tell anyone, not your mother or Izzy or anyone. But only if you promise to let me help you."

There was a long silence as neither of them spoke. Alec finally opened the door and stared at Magnus.

"Why would you help me? Why do you care?" He asked softly, fingering the end of his sleeve.

"Because you're worth something, Alexander."

"I hate being called that you know." He managed a tiny smile at the shiny man.

"But it's such a nice name, Alexander." Magnus winked and Alec felt like melting.

Magnus left to go do his homework with Isabelle. Alec was a year old than both of them. Jace, Isabelle and Magnus were all in the same grade, and Alec in the year above them. The next year of school was going to be his last, a fact he was glad of. Max was in the seventh grade, but somehow managed to outsmart Isabelle and Jace, but not Magnus.

* * *

><p>At lunch that day, Magnus found Alec at the back of the school sitting alone listening to music. He took out one earbud as Magnus approached, but didn't say anything.<br>"Hey," Magnus said, sitting next to Alec on the bench. "Have you eaten?" Alec shook his head and looked at his feet. His hair was falling in his eyes again, he really needed a haircut.

"Here," Magnus held out half a sandwich, "It's peanut butter, you're not allergic, are you?" Alec shook his head again, but didn't take the sandwich.

"Alec, please." Magnus sounded desperate. He hesitantly took the sandwich and took a small bite then stopped.

"I…can't?" He whispered. Magnus took the sandwich.

"It's alright, at least you had some."

"I.." Alec started, but stopped and stared off into the distance.

"What? You can tell me, only if you want to." Magnus touched his knee and he flinched away. Magnus retracted his hand.

There was another pause.

"I…want to throw up." Alec whispered slowly and rubbed his wrist unconsciously.

"Oh." Magnus said matter of factly. "Uh, how about this. Whenever you want to throw up, or hurt yourself, or just feel bad in general you call me. It doesn't matter what time, just pick up the phone and call. Promise?" Alec nodded slowly.

"I don't know why you're doing this." He said, looking at Magnus quizzically, who looked sad.

"Everyone deserves someone who cares about them."

* * *

><p>Alec sat on his bed that evening, having gotten out of going to dinner, claiming to have stomach upsets. He sat against the pillows and twirled his phone on his fingers. Magnus had put his number into his phone and made it speed dial one after making Alec promise to call him if he needed him. Alec pressed one, his finger hovering over the call button. It was about nine and he was exhausted. He had about four hours sleep over the last three days but still couldn't sleep. His mind was plagued with thoughts again. He had spent three hours trying to fall asleep, and still couldn't do it.<p>

He finally mustered up the courage to press the call button and it was answered on the second ring.

"Go for Magnus." A deep voice answered.

"Magnus?" He said softly, letting himself fall back onto the pillows.

"Alexander, what's wrong?" Magnus instantly sounded worried.

"Nothing, it's just.." He realised his problem sounded stupid out loud.

"It's just what? Are you okay?" Magnus still sounded worried.

"I haven't slept in over a week." Alec whispered. "I had four hours sleep two nights ago, but that's it. I can't get to sleep. I've been trying."

"Oh Alec," Magnus said. "What have you tried?"

"I don't know, I've just laid here."

There was a long pause and Alec could hear quiet clicking noises through the phone.

"What's that noise?" He asked.

"It's my computer, darling, I'm googling."

"Oh." Alec said, feeling stupid, but internally questioning Magnus' use of terms of endearment.

"Do you know what's stopping you from falling asleep?" Magnus asked.

"I keep thinking about things." Alec said simply.

"You don't have to, darling, but if you tell me about it, maybe it will help you sleep?"

Alec considered it for a long moment. "I don't know…"

"It's fine, darling. All in good time." Alec wondering what time.

"I'll tell you some things," he said eventually.

"Okay, you talk, I'll listen Alexander."

"I keep thinking..about people looking at me." He started. "Whenever I'm around others, I can feel them watching me, judging me. My clothes, my body, my personality. And I hate it. It's like I can, I don't know, metaphorically hear their thoughts. So I can guess what they're thinking by body language. It's usually how fat I am, and how I'm so ugly noone would date me, and such a fag who…" Alec could feel himself panicking again, the emotions bubbling up to the surface. His breath caught and he gave a single sob before continuing. "And it just eats me up, bad choice of wording." He gave a humourless, strangled laugh.

Magnus was silent for a while, thinking. "All I can say, Alec, is that those things are definitely not what they're thinking, and none of that is true. You're not fat, you're beautiful, I mean, I would date you."

I would date you. The words echoed through Alec's mind over and over, consuming him.

"Thank you, Magnus," he broke the awkward pause that followed Magnus' words. "I.."

"It's okay, Alec. Remember, last day of school tomorrow."

"Thank god." Alec mumbled.

"Good night, Alexander." Alec felt warm for the first time in years.

"Good night, Magnus." He whispered before the line went dead.


	3. III

**TRIGGER WARNING - EXPLICIT CONTENT: Contains descriptions of self harm, eating disorders and suicide. Proceed with caution. **

* * *

><p>Alec woke the next morning spread out over his bed on top of the covers. His eyes opened suddenly as a shearing pain shot through his abdomen and he flinched, moving his hands to the area. Struggling to his feet, he moved to the dresser, his head spinning. He clutched the and moaned in pain, feeling the urge to throw up, but having nothing in his stomach. His back hurt where he figured his kidneys were. He found his phone and dialled Magnus, sliding down to the floor.<p>

"Magnus." A deep voice spoke wearily.

Alec groaned into the phone. "Magnus."

"Alec?! What happened?" The voice was instantly alert.

"I woke up, and I have this pain in my stomach, it hurts so fucking much." He groaned out the words.

"Shit, Alec. You have to go to a doctor."

"No!" Panic shot through Alec and he temporarily forgot about the pain. "I can't."

Hearing Alec's distress, Magnus decided not to. "Fine, I'll be there in seven minutes. You have a tree outside your room right?"

"What?" The line went dead. The pain increased and Alec pressed his hands harder to the area. He waited until he heard movement at his window before it slid open.

"We're on the-" He stopped to breathe. "Third fucking floor, Magnus."

"Are you alright?" Magnus was holding what looked to be tinned food and a can opener in a bag.

"What the fuck is that?" Alec mumbled through the pain.

"Alec, if you eat something, maybe the pain will go away."

"I can't."

There was a pause. "If you eat this, I won't take you to the hospital."

"Give me the fucking thing." He muttered reluctantly.

Magnus started opening a can of tinned fruit as Alec continued pressing his hand to his stomach and internally threw up at the thought of eating.

"That will make me fat." Alec mumbled, but Magnus heard it as he got the can open.

"No! Alexander, you're beautiful."

Alec shook his head and moaned at the pain.

"Eat." Magnus demanded. Alec groaned. "Don't make me force feed you, Alec."

He took one hand off his stomach and picked up a piece of the slimy fruit. He tentatively put it in his mouth and chewed, scrunching up his face.

"Have another." Magnus said, kneeling beside Alec.

"I really think that's enough." He protested.

"Alexander." Magnus sounded desperate so he took another piece and chewed it before swallowing.

Alec noticed Magnus looking at his wrists with a look of horror on his face. That was when he realised that they weren't bandaged, and his sleeves had ridden up.

"Alec." Magnus breathed, reaching out a hand then retracting it awkwardly. Alec pulled his sleeves down hurriedly and looked away. Magnus grabbed his right arm and pushed the sleeve up to his shoulder.

"Alec, look at me." Alec looked down at his wrist, it was mutilated, old scars healed and covered by new ones, lines going in jagged directions, crossing over each other. His arm barely had any uncut skin left.

Magnus was close to tears. How long had Alec been doing this? Why had no one noticed. Why had he only noticed now? At least he had, or where would Alec be now, he thought.

It took Magnus a second to realised that Alec was crying softly. He quickly took his shoulders and pulled them toward him, Alec's head resting on his chest as he cried. This went on for several minutes, Magnus sitting there, murmuring words into Alec's ear. When Alec stopped crying, he awkwardly pulled away and stared at a spot on the floor, avoiding Magnus' eyes.

Magnus moved to sit cross-legged on the floor beside Alec, who was cradling his arm to his chest as if hugging himself. Magnus waited for Alec to look at him, and eventually he did.

"You might as well leave now." He said, strongly, but Magnus could hear the hurt behind the words.

"And why would I do that?" He retorted.

"Because I'm disgusting." Alec threw his arms around in exasperation. The pain in his stomach had subsided after eating the fruit, but he still felt like throwing up. "I'm ugly, and worthless, and a depressive piece of shit who should just kill himself so that he doesn't bother anyone with his shit!" Magnus felt himself lose hope in people then. How had Alec managed to get like this without people noticing?!

He moved to sit up on his knees. "No, Alec, you're beautiful, and if you kill yourself, I myself will be very bothered. And I could name some other people that could as well."

Alec wiped his eyes with his sleeve and glanced at his bedside table. "Shit," he mumbled, his voice cracking. "It's 9:45, we're missing school."

That was when Magnus realised, Alec's family didn't notice him, he was barely a part of their lives. They all left for school or work and forgot he was there, didn't check on him or anything. That was why they didn't notice how bad he had gotten, how he hadn't eaten anything in so fucking long. It broke his heart.

"You know what? Fuck school." Magnus smiled. "Let's go out."

"Where?" Alec asked, sounding tired at the thought.

Magnus thought for a moment, "Let's go to the zoo, it's not that far away."

"Why the zoo?" Alec managed to crack a small smile. He was still playing with his sleeves. This is when he finally noticed Magnus' appearance. His hair was dishevelled, his eyes puffy and blinking and he looked like he had thrown on the first clothes he could find, his shirt inside out. _He must really care about you if he hightailed over here,_ a small voice in Alec's head whispered, but he squashed the thought down immediately.

"I like the zoo, and cats, and lions are big cats." Magnus grinned at him.

"Okay." Alec didn't particularly want to go to the zoo, but it was preferable to going to school.

"Can I borrow clothes from your brother?" Magnus asked, glancing down at what he was wearing and scrunching his face up.

"Why Jace?" Alec enquired.

"Your clothes are too - for a lack of a better word - holey." Alec glanced down at his shirt.

"I guess you're right."

* * *

><p>"I would call this one Shiloh." Magnus mused aloud at the zoo. They were in front of the Meerkat exhibit, Magnus running around excitedly looking at all the animals, with Alec trailing behind. Magnus had convinced Alec to let him buy him some frozen yogurt, which Alec was holding and looking at in disgust.<p>

"Why Shiloh?"

As Magnus rambled on about some celebrities and their kid, Alec tuned him out and focused on looking like he was listening, which actually turned into him staring at Magnus.

God, he was so perfect. He was everything Alec wanted to be, and everything Alec wanted to be laying directly on top of. His hair was mussed, having been hastily brushed as they left Alec's family home. His eyes sparkled as he talked about whatever it was, and they walked to the next exhibit as he talked. As they walked, Alec began to subconsciously shovel frozen yogurt into his mouth, so enthralled with Magnus that his mind went on autopilot. Magnus stopped talking and stared at him.

"What?" Alec asked, his mouth hanging open as Magnus stared at him.

"You're eating?" Magnus asked, his eyebrow raised.

"What? Oh shit." He held his hands with the frozen yogurt container away from him. "Shit, shit. Fuck. I have to.." Alec began walking in the direction of the nearest bathroom, dumping the container in the nearest bin. Magnus ran after him, yelling his name.

Alec spied a bathroom. _Shit, why did I do that? This is what Magnus does to you, you worthless piece of shit. What the fuck is wrong with you? You'll just get fat now, fuck head. _The voice in his head chanted on until he ran inside the bathroom. Magnus had almost caught him, but Alec ran into a stall and locked it behind him. Magnus bashed his palms against the door and yelled his name. He could hear the sound of coughing on the other side of the door, and felt sick thinking about Alec making himself sick.

"Alec! Open the door."

On the other side of the door, Alec had coughed up the frozen yogurt, and what looked to be remains of the fruit he had eaten that morning. There was red in it, but Alec barely noticed. His head swam, and he sat on the floor. _Worthless shit._ His arm itched again. He pulled his pocket knife out of his baggy jeans and flipped out the knife. Pulling his sleeves up, tears on his face, he pressed it to his wrist, blood running onto the floor.

He was so out of it, he could barely hear Magnus hitting the door and yelling his name. He pressed harder, blood flowing freely out of his wrist. He hadn't done this for at least a day, he felt like he was coming home. All his worries and anxiety flowing out of his wrist onto the floor.

Magnus couldn't hear movement from the other side, but kept yelling. "Alec, answer me, please!" Something touched his foot and he looked down, seeing a small river of red liquid pooling at his feet. "Shit," he cursed. "Alec!"

He ran outside, searching frantically for the nearest staff member. He spied one and yelled at them. "Help! Fuck." They looked startled, but when he explained they ran off to find someone to open the door. Magnus ran back into the restrooms and continued banging on the door.

Alec was completely out of it, the words in his head taking over his whole being. He had made four lacerations on his left wrist and other dizzy spell overcame him. _It would be better if I died, _he thought. _So much better. _

As a particularly heavy dizzy spell came over him, he stopped cutting for a moment and came back to reality. There was banging on the door, and someone crying his name on the other side. _Magnus, _he thought, before everything blacked out.


	4. IV

**I think I might start that song for chapter thing. The song for this chapter is this is gospel by panic at the disco, especially the music video.**

**TRIGGER WARNINGS AS USUAL, STRONG MENTIONS OF SELF HARM AND SUICIDE.**

Magnus sat beside a comatose Alec in a white room. He was anxious, not able to sit still. Once they had gotten the door open, they had found Alec slumped against the side of the bathroom stall, a pocket knife lying next to him and blood flowing out of his arm. Magnus had pulled his shirt over his head, choking back sobs. He wrapped it around Alec's arm and stayed there, willing Alec to wake up until the paramedics arrived and took him away.

At the hospital, they had rushed Alec off to give him blood transfusions, as he had lost a lot of blood. A doctor had shoved paperwork at Magnus, but he couldn't fill it out, too worried about his friend.

Now Alec was lying here, an IV in his arm, a tube in his nose and his wrists wrapped in layers of bandages. They had also bandaged his thighs, as they were covered in scars, some recent. The nose tube was feeding him, keeping him alive. Magnus knew he would try to rip it out if- when- he woke up, so he made them tape it securely to his face.

He had called Isabelle, but she hadn't picked up, and didn't know their mothers number. He had left frantic voicemails on their home phone and Isabelle's phone, sobbing that Alec was in the hospital, and they should come. He didn't say why he was there.

Alec's eyes fluttered, and Magnus instantly picked up the movement. It was the late afternoon now, the sunlight slowly starting to dim. He jumped to his feet and scampered to Alec's side.

"Alexander?" He asked, softly.

"Maggnus." His voice was thick. "Why am I here?"

"The hospital?"

"Wha-?" His eyes opened more, taking in the surroundings, then the bandages and the tubes.

"Fuck." He screamed. "Fuck, get these off!" He started trying to rip out the tubes and Magnus quickly pounded his fist against the assistance button multiple times. He tried to hold down Alec's arms, begging him to stop, but Alec managed to hit him on the nose, and he stumbled backward in shock. A few nurses came running in, quickly strapping Alec's arms to the bed. He continued to kick his legs, but they let him until he got tired and lay there, panting and gasping for breath. There were tears streaming down his face and he looked betrayed and angry.

"Get these off." He whispered.

While two nurses talked to him, one walked over to Magnus. "You alright, buddy?" Magnus was still in shock, clasping his nose. Alec hit me, he thought. He hit me. He slowly shook his head.

"Come on," the guy said, "I'll take a look at your nose."

It turned out Alec had broken Magnus' nose. It was only fractured, not bent out of position, so the nurse gave me some ice for it.

"He's strong for an anorexic." The nurse, Ragnor, commented. They walked back along the hallway to Alec's room. "Also, we found a health care card in his wallet, so that's all taken care of. His mother has been notified."

"Shit, he's not going to like that. When I found out, he had a panic attack and begged me not to tell anyone. Not telling was the only way he'd let me help him."

"Do you realised you probably could have helped him more by telling someone?"

Magnus looked down at his feet. "Yeah, I realise now." He felt bad, was Alec here because of him?

"Magnus!" He heard a voice yell his name from down the hallway. He looked up, Isabelle was running full speed toward him.  
>"Where's Alec? Why's he here?" That was when he got angry. "Why are you here?"<p>

"Why is he here?" he yelled, forgetting where they were for a moment. He felt a hand on his shoulder but shrugged it off. "He fucking tried to off himself in a bathroom at the zoo, and all because you guys don't notice him." Isabelle opened her mouth to speak, but Magnus put up a hand. "He has scars running up and down his arms, his torso and his legs. He hasn't eaten properly in god knows how long, he was so close to dying from starvation, and noone but me noticed!" He was crying now, and Ragnor put his hand on his shoulder again, and pulled him away from Isabelle. He gestured behind Magnus' back to Alec's room, and mouthed, 'He's in there.' Isabelle stood there in shock, watching Ragnor walk Magnus down the hall.

They walked into a small office. It had a large couch in the corner, which Ragnor led Magnus to and sat him down. He kept crying, his torso shaking with every breath. Ragnor rubbed his back the whole time.

"I didn't know if he was going to wake up." Magnus sobbed. "He was lying there covered in blood and he was just bones."

"Hey, hey." Ragnor soothed, "None of this is your fault, nor is it Alec's. Sometimes, people can get depressed for no reason."

Magnus stopped crying then and looked at Ragnor seriously. "The other day, I found him being dry humped against a bus stop shelter against his will by some guy at our school." Ragnor's breath hitched.

"Shit." Magnus nodded.

"The guy ran off when he saw me, and Alec had a panic attack. I took him home, and the next morning I was at his house because I'm friends with his sister, the one in the hall." Ragnor nodded.

"While Isabelle was in the shower, I went to find Alec to try to get him to talk about the day before. He was in his shower, he has his own floor of their house. He made me walk outside his room so he could get dressed. I walked back in, thinking he must have been dressed already. He only had jeans on." Ragnor watched Magnus as he spoke, seeing where this was going.

"He freaked out of course, and yelled at me to leave. He asked him what was wrong with his arm, it was wrapped in a bandage, and he told me nothing. I realised he must have been cutting, but could see his ribs, he was so skinny. I asked him when he last ate, and how long he'd been hurting himself, and he ran to the bathroom."

"Oh, Magnus." Ragnor sighed. "I think you found out just in time. We ran some tests, he was on the verge of kidney failure and a possible heart attack. You saved him."

Magnus shook his head, the words _Kidney failure _and _heart attack_ running through his mind. "Can I go back and see him?"

"Only if you promise not to yell at any visitors he might have." Ragnor said.

"I can't promise that." Magnus muttered as they walked back out into the hall.

Alec's room was crowded. Maryse was talking a mile a minute with a doctor, Isabelle was slumped in the corner, crying, and Jace was hovering over Alec, who looked to be sleeping.

Magnus walked in and they all turned to him.

"Magnus?" Maryse questioned. "Why are you here?" Magnus could feel the anger bubbling up again, this time toward a negligent mother. Ragnor pulled him back.

"Magnus has told me about his part in this." he spoke. "Could I speak to you privately, Mrs. Lightwood?" She looked baffled, but nodded anyway and followed Ragnor outside. There was an awkward silence in the room as Magnus walked to Alec's side.

"Alexander." He murmured. "I know you're awake." After a few seconds, Alec's eyes opened, but he avoid all their eyes except for Magnus's.

He'd been crying again, his eyes were puffy. "Magnus." He tried to reach his hand up, but it was still strapped down. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be Alec, I'm just glad you're alive."

"Magnus?" Alec bit his lip.

"Yes, Alec?"

"Can you scratch my collarbone, it's fucking itchy." Magnus supressed his smile.

"Sure."

After he did, Alec glanced at his siblings. "Could you leave?" He said, coldly.

"Sure, Alec," Isabelle said, she had stopped crying now and got up to leave, Magnus' words still hitting her hard. Jace didn't move.

"Jace." Magnus said warningly. He grunted and slowly walked out of the room, not taking his eyes of Magnus.

When he was gone, there was a long, comfortable silence. Alec finally broke it.

"It didn't mean to, you know." He mumbled. Magnus cocked his head questioningly.

"I didn't mean to lose that much blood." Alec said, louder. "I just felt like shit - I had eaten that shit and it would have made me fat but I wouldn't have eaten it if you weren't talking and-"

"What do you mean?" Magnus interrupted. Alec looked down at his bandaged wrists.

"Nothing." He mumbled.

"Alec, are you gay?" Alec's head snapped up then fell back down again. He could feel himself start to cry.

"Hey, hey." Magnus said, moving to sit tentatively on the side of the bed. "It's okay, I'm not going to hate you, noone is. I'm bi, so."

Alec sniffed. "I tried to kill myself a month ago." He said it so quietly Magnus could barely make out the words.

Magnus didn't know what to say. What do you say when someone tells you that? I'm sorry?

"How?" he whispered, not knowing if he really wanted to know the answer.

"I…it was on a weekend a while back, noone was home, Mum was visiting Dad in Canada, Isabelle and gone with her. Jace was with some girl and Max was at a friends house. I didn't even know Mum was leaving until after she had, noone had told me she was going to be gone for a week." His hand twitched like he wanted to scratch his wrist. Magnus gently took his hand in his and nodded at him to keep going. The heart rate monitor sped up slightly and Magnus pretended not to notice.

"I was so hungry that day, I remember. I hadn't eaten for a while." Alec took a deep breath then continued. "I found myself on autopilot, walking down the stairs to the kitchen. I can't remember what I ate, but I know it was a lot. I cleared out at least a shelf on the pantry, all in about 20 minutes. Afterward…" he was breathing heavier now, Magnus could see he was about to start hyperventilating. He squeezed his hand harder.

"You don't have to tell me this, Alexander." He whispered.

Alec shook his head. "I want to." He was whispering now too, like it was a great secret. "I stumbled back upstairs, my stomach hurt from the food, it wasn't used to any, let alone that much. I threw it all up in less than two minutes. I was sitting in the bathroom and just felt like shit, I was shit." Magnus opened his mouth to protest but Alec moved on. "I cut my arm six times, I realised I was cutting deeper each time, but decided not to care. I was having a panic attack at the time, not thinking clearly. I kept thinking it would be better if I died. Noone would care, or notice my absence. I was alone."

Alec let out a shaky breath and watched Magnus' reaction, expecting him to run out screaming at his monstrosity. He was surprised when Magnus lent down and kiss his forehead.

"You should sleep, Alec. I'll be here when you wake up." Alec nodded, still trying to gauge Magnus' reaction. Magnus stayed until he finally slept, somehow not plagued by nightmares. When he was sure he was asleep, he crept out of the room into the adjacent bathroom and shut the door behind him. He leant against the wall and cried.


	5. V

**TRIGGER WARNINGS - STRONG MENTIONS OF SUICIDE AND SELF HARM**

**Song for this chapter - Mad World by Tears for Fears, but the Glam Nation version by Adam Lambert**

Alec had waited until Magnus thought he was asleep so he left so he could finally get that thing out of his fucking nose. It was feeding him, making him fat and keeping him alive. The crap he had fed Magnus, pun not intended, about not wanting to off himself earlier in the day was total crap. He was sick of being alive, sick of being fat and worthless and sick of waking up every morning.

The straps keeping his wrists to the bed were tight, but they had loosened them after he calmed down as to not damage his already mutilated wrists more. He wriggled them toward his shoulders and eventually got his right wrist out. He used that arm to free him left arm before ripping the tube out of his nose, peeling the tape off slowly then pulling out his IV.

He sat up and swung his legs over the side of the bed, sliding to the floor. He immediately felt dizzy, and clutched the bed in an effort to remain upright. After it passed, he rose to his feet and stuck his head out into the hallway. It was deserted so he crept out and around the corner.

He quickly found a large room covered in cabinets from roof to floor. He started rummaging through them, searching for anything he could use. Eventually he found a drawer marked _Sterilised Scalpels. _He opened it, pulling out a handful before popping out of the room again. He felt dizzy again, but ignored it in favour of finding the nearest bathroom. There was one a few doors down and he pushed open the door, glad to find it empty. He started ripping off bandages from his right wrist, barely noticing his tight grip on the scalpels making a deep gash in his right palm. He sat on a toilet, not bothering to lock the door. It would be over in less than a minute. He took a scalpel and press it to his arm, making a long gash, breathing in time with the deep cuts and basking in the pleasure it gave him.

Magnus finally stopped crying and wiped his eyes. He looked in the mirror, noticing how his eyes were puffy and red. Anyone could see he had been crying. He shrugged and walked back out to Alec's room, intending to sit beside him as he slept, and maybe take a nap himself. He was shocked when he realised Alec's bed was missing, tubes draped across the mattress. He ran to the assistance button, bashing it repeatedly until someone appeared in the doorway.

"Alec's gone." He breathed. "He's fucking gone." His mind was racing with the possibilities of where Alec could be, and what he could be doing. He shuddered at the thought.

People were running around frantically now, a garbled voice speaking over the PA system. He sat down on the bed and put his head in his hands. This was his fault, if he hadn't gone to the bathroom, this wouldn't have happened.

He heard a small scream from down the hall and shot up from his seated position. Alec.

A nurse had gone into the bathroom searching for the missing patient, and was shocked and horrified at what she found, and screamed. The boy was slumped on the seat, falling forward and she caught him before his head hit the floor. There was blood pooled at his feet. That's a lot, she thought. She quickly yelled for help and moved to put pressure on his right arm, where the blood was flowing from. Five scalpels lay at his feet, and one was still stuck in his arm.

Just as others arrived, someone pulled her back and whispered in her ear. "Go and sit in the break room, drink fluids." She realised it was Ragnor, the senior nurse in the ward and nodded in shock.

The boy was lifted onto a stretcher and rushed off, another IV attached to his arm. A tall, asian boy stood in the doorway, a look of utter disbelief on his face. His hair was mussed and his eyes red. She quickly disregarded Ragnor's request for her to get over the shock and to help the boy. "Come on," she murmured. "I'll make you tea." She led the silent boy to the break room and sat him in an armchair. She turned to put the kettle on boil, but heard quiet sobbing sounds behind her. The boy was crying, his torso shaking. She rushed back to him and rubbed his back as he cried for the other boy. After a moment she realised he was also hitting his forehead viciously with his palms, and went to grab them to stop him.

"What's your name?" She asked him when he finally stopped hitting himself.

"Ma-Magnus."

"Okay Magnus, I'm going to need you to take deep breaths, in - that's it - and out." She made him focus on his breathing until he finally stopped crying. Jocelyn sat beside him, but kept one hand on his shoulder.

"Magnus, why were you hitting yourself?" She asked softly. Magnus shook his head, looking at his feet, his breath hitching occassionally.

"Alec, Alec told me that he tried to kill himself a month ago."

"Oh, honey." She soothed, "Noone your age should have to hear about that, let alone go through it."

"But after he told me I said he should probably sleep, and waited there until he did." Magnus had his head in his hands and was rocking back and forth, not being able to sit still. "When I thought he was asleep, I went into the bathroom. When I came out he was gone. If I hadn't left-" He stopped midsentence and continued hitting his forehead. "It's all my fault." A single tear fell down his already damp face.

Jocelyn was silent. This poor boy had taken on this other boys problems by himself, no teenager should have to do that. Her own daughter was carefree, painting and dating that ridiculous blond kid, that's how this boy should be.

"What the fuck did you do?" A voice in the doorway spoke. Magnus and Jocelyn glanced up to see Jace in the doorway. "What did you do to him?" Jace had his fists by his sides and was seething. This little bitch had made Alec try to kill himself, twice now.

"I think you should leave, Jonathan." Jocelyn recognised the boy as the one her daughter was dating and didn't know his connection to Magnus or Alec, but knew he was upsetting the already emotionally compromised boy before her.

"But-" Jace was stymied. He had been trying to win over Clary's mother to at least approve of him for weeks now, and now she was here, her voice cold.

"Now, Jonathan." He backed off down the hallway reluctantly and bumped into his mother and sister. They were both crying softly.

"Mum, that little fag-"

"Please leave, Jace." Isabelle interrupted him. He hesitated before realising he wasn't wanted here, and took the elevator to the café on the third floor.

"Shit." Maryse said, collapsing into a chair that lined the hallway. Isabelle perched beside her, her mother never swore. "I've forgotten about my son needing anything for so long, I've killed him."

"He's not dead yet, Mum." Maryse was about to reply when they were interrupted by a doctor striding toward them carrying a clipboard.

"Mrs. Lightwood?" He asked. She stood up hastily. "Your son, Alexander, has been stabilised. He has been given blood transfusions and he is currently unconscious. We have discovered that his artery on his right arm has been punctured, and would like to request your permission for reconstructive surgery." Maryse looked stunned.

"Yes, please do whatever you need."

"Can you please fill these out, and we will begin surgery immediately." She nodded and sat, taking a pen from her purse. Isabelle glanced up as Magnus walked out into the hallway, his shoulders slumped and his head down.

"Magnus?" she asked. He didn't even look at her. "Magnus. They're giving Alec surgery," his head snapped up immediately. "He's punctured the artery in his right arm." The nurse with him quickly squeezed Magnus' arm.

"Magnus, honey, why don't you head home and sleep, we can call you if something happens." Magnus shook his head but didn't say anything.

"Or you could stay here, there's a couch in Alexander's room, you can sleep there." Magnus nodded and mumbled something under his breath.

"Sorry, hon, I didn't get that."

"It's Alec, not Alexander. He hates being called that." Jocelyn looked shocked before nodding.

"Go and sleep, I'll bring you a blanket." Magnus didn't answer, but turned back to Alec's private hospital room and collapsed on the couch. Isabelle knew better than to follow him.

Magnus lay on the couch, his eyes wide open. Jocelyn brought in an itchy rug and fussed over him, but left as a bell rang down the hall. He was way too tall for the couch and had his legs tucked up to his chest. As he lay there worrying about Alec, he realised something. He was in love with Alec Lightwood.

"Oh, shit." He mumbled.


	6. VI

Magnus could remember a lot of terrible things happening to him in his eighteen years, but he could remember a lot of good moments as well.

He remembered especially the first moment he saw Alexander Lightwood. It was his first day of school in New York, he was twelve. He and Isabelle were already good friends but he was still depressed, haunted by memories of where he had come from, his father, his mother.

Isabelle was showing him around the school, pointing out places where security cameras were so they could sneak out of class without being caught. A boy walked up to her, his black hair and startling blue eyes shocking Magnus into silence.

"Iz, soccer practise was cancelled so you don't have to wait for me after school, we can go straight home." The boy glanced at Magnus and looked him up and down before turning back to Isabelle. "Tell Jace would you?"

"Yep." Isabelle didn't seem to be listening to him.

The boy walked off and Magnus watched him leave, taking note of his baggy black jeans, ratty old black tshirt and worn combat boots.

"Whose that?" He asked. His voice was still high and squeaky, which he hated. The other boys' voice had been deep, why couldn't Magnus' be too?

"That's my brother, Alec."

"Alec?"

"Yeah, Alexander."

_Alexander,_ Magnus thought and smiled.

From then on, he was infatuated with Alec. At first he thought he just looked up to the older boy, but eventually he realised he was a flaming bisexual, and that he liked him. He always liked him.

Once he realised this, he tried to talk to Alec more, but he was always withdrawn into himself, separate to the outside world. Alec didn't even notice him.

In an attempt to get over Alec, he threw himself into very girl and boy within the area. Literally. He threw parties at his apartment, flirting with most and sleeping with the majority.

It didn't work.

He still thought Alec was the most beautiful man he had ever seen. Looking back on it from his couch in Alec's hospital room, he loathed himself for not seeing his depression earlier and helping him. He didn't know how he didn't see it.

Magnus hadn't even told Isabelle what his life was before he moved to America with his mother. She only knew he came from London, and that his mother was Indonesian and his father British. As far as she knew, his father was dead, killed brutally in a car accident. That was as far from the truth as possible.

Magnus squeezed his eyes shut from the flood of memories that came to him when he thought of his father. He brought his hands to his head, covering his eyes and suppressed the scream that threatened to spill from his lips.

"Magnus?" An unfamiliar voice interrupted from the doorway. He sat up with a jolt.

"Who are you?" He asked, one hand still on his head from the headache he suddenly had.

"I'm Doctor Meyer, you can call me Thomas." The man was short, so short it would be almost comical in other circumstances. He had light stubble and dark, almost black hair.

"That doesn't answer my question." Magnus snapped. Thomas blinked.

"I am a trained psychiatrist assigned to Alexander. I was told you would be here, and wanted to talk."

Magnus sat up. "I'm fine, seriously."

"That didn't look fine, Magnus. But we can talk about that later, I wanted to talk about Alexander."

"It's Alec." He snapped again. "He hates being called Alexander."

Thomas dragged the chair Isabelle was sitting on earlier toward Magnus' couch and sat down, clasping his hands in front of him.

"I wanted to talk about how you're involved in Alec's issues."

Magnus hesitated. Thomas nodded at him encouragingly so he began. He started from the day he met Alec, through to them talking. It took a good fifteen minutes, as Magnus told him about events between the last few days and meeting Alec.

"Once when I was fourteen," he swallowed thickly, "I was at Isabelle's house and we were talking on her bed. I heard yelling downstairs and asked Isabelle what - who - it was. It sounded violent, I heard things smashing and everything. She said it was nothing, but I walked out onto the landing outside her room, you can see right down into the living room from there. Alec was getting yelled at by his father, he was saying some pretty horrible things. Saying he wasn't his son, was a fag, worthless. Alec was just standing there taking it all, his father was so angry, he was knocking things off side tables, expensive vases and everything. Alec mumbled something and his father yelled at him to speak up. I couldn't hear what he said, but Robert - his father - slapped him and punched his stomach. I was about to run down there but Isabelle pulled me back into her room and made me swear not to tell anyone. I wish I had."

"Alec was fifteen then?" Thomas asked, scribbling notes on his pad. Magnus nodded and continued his story. When he finished Thomas let out a breath.

"Magnus," he looked up. "You know that none of this, absolutely none of it, is your fault?" Magnus shook his head.

"I could have-"

"Magnus. It's not your fault. It doesn't matter what you could have done, it was out of your control."

Magnus leaned his head back on the couch and let a deep breath out.

"What were you doing when I walked in here?" Thomas asked softly.

Magnus brought his head up to look at him. "I don't want to talk about it."

"Magnus," Thomas started.

"Could you stop saying my name in every sentence?" He retorted.

"I'm sorry," Thomas said. There was a short, comfortable pause.

"I know you've hurt yourself before, like Alec does." Magnus brought his head down to stare at his lap.

"How?" He whispered. Noone knew about that, noone.

"You have white lines on your arms." Magnus stared at his forearms which were resting on his legs. He remembered making those lines over and over, and eventually he stopped and watched them fade to white.

"I'm just saying, with everything Alec is going through, he's going to need someone who understands him at his level, someone who isn't me. Do you understand?"

Magnus nodded. "Yeah."

"When Alec's about a day out of surgery, I'll come back and talk to him. If he wants you to be here, you should."

"I'll be here." Magnus had no intention of leaving the hospital except to go take a shower and change clothes. He could feel his hair falling out of its gel hold, his mascara smudging, his glitter fading. It was his wall, his makeup created a wall that people couldn't see through, so they couldn't see the real him. And it was slipping. It made him feel vulnerable and exposed.

"I'll be coming back every day for the first couple of weeks, and depending on how it goes, Alec will come and see me a couple of times a week at my office." Magnus nodded.

Thomas took a small card from his notepad and handed it to Magnus. "This is my number, if you need to talk," he gestured to Magnus' arms and Magnus nodded, understanding, "Call me."

"Get some sleep. I'll see you tomorrow, I suppose."

"Bye." Magnus said softly and watched the short man leave.

Magnus didn't sleep at all. He presumed that Isabelle and Jace had gone home, he didn't know where Max was. He knew Maryse was back at work.

A few hours after Thomas left, Alec was wheeled in on a stretcher. His arm was bandaged and held up on a strap so it was above his head. He had one of those bags on a pole being wheeled beside him. Magnus jumped to his feet and skittered nervously to his side.

"He's in a medically induced coma," one of the doctors said to him. "He should wake up tomorrow morning sometime." The nurses and doctors dispersed except for one, who took Thomas' chair and sat beside Alec.

"I have to watch him, standard procedure, in case he wakes up."

"Why wasn't anyone here yesterday then?" He tried to inject an edge of venom into his voice, but he was so tired, it didn't work.

"The person who was supposed to be on was called away elsewhere and didn't call a replacement, an oversight. Won't happen again." The woman looked at him and his drooping eyes. "You should sleep, I'll wake you if he does." Magnus nodded reluctantly and took one last look at Alec's face before returning to his couch.

* * *

><p>"Magnus." A voice spoke above him. "Magnus." He rolled over, his neck cracking from sleeping on the small couch. He blinked and rubbed his eyes.<p>

"Thomas?"

"Alec's awake." Magnus shot up and dashed to Alec's side.

"Alec." He smiled.

"Magnus, why are you here?"

"I-" Magnus was taken aback. "I was waiting for you to come out of surgery."

Alec's brow crinkled. "Why?"

"Because I care about you Alec."

That was when Alec started crying.

"Hey, hey." Magnus said, putting his hand on Alec's, the one without the IV, "It's okay. Why are you crying?"

"Because you're lying to me, and I don't want to be here."

"I'm not lying, and you'll be out of the hospital soon."

"I didn't mean the hospital, I meant being alive." Magnus didn't know what to say and was glad when he felt Thomas' hand on his shoulder.

"Go get something to eat in the café downstairs, do you have money on you?" Magnus nodded and reluctantly stepped away from Alec. He watched Thomas pull up a chair beside Alec before leaving, shutting the door behind him.

Alec watched the short man sit next to him. He knew why he was here, he wasn't stupid, he just didn't understand why these people cared.

His whole body itched. His legs, covered in scars, were bandaged, his left arm was bandaged from surgery and they had put a thin cast on his right arm so he couldn't cut it. He felt like a child, being controlled like that.

"So Alec, how are you feeling?"

"That's a dumb question." He snapped at him, his defences going up. "Can you raise this bed, my neck hurts laying like this." Thomas nodded and fiddled with the controls on the bed so Alec was in a more upright position before sitting back down.

"Magnus has told me what happened in the last few days, I wanted to hear your side of it." Alec looked away out the window and didn't say anything. It didn't deter Thomas.

"What happened at the zoo, Alec?" Still no answer.

"He said you started eating yogurt without realising it. How did that make you feel?"

There was a long pause, Thomas didn't say anymore, just waited for Alec to speak.

"If you think I'm going to talk to you, you're deluded." Alec's voice was raspy.

"Whatever you're comfortable with." Thomas picked up a bag from next to him.

"Your sister dropped off some things." Alec turned to him questioningly. "She brought your phone, some books, your favourite clothes-" Alec snorted.

"Like she knows what my favourite clothes are."

"She said, and I quote, 'All his clothes are the same.' She also brought earphones and one of your brothers comic books."

"What? Why?" Alec asked incredulously.

"I don't know, but she said I should give it all to you. Here." Thomas handed the comic book to him. Alec took it with his right hand, they had only casted up to his wrist, not his hand.

"Ultimate X-Men Volume 1 Issue 40." He whispered, staring at it. "I didn't know Isabelle knew about this."

Magnus walked slowly into the room, holding a muffin and a take away coffee cup.

"Hey," he said softly.

Alec looked at him. There was a single tear running down his cheek as he held the comic book up.

"What's that?" Magnus looked at him with concern.

"This is the first comic book I brought Max. He was seven, I was fourteen. We read it together so many times, and he always said I was like Angel, always hiding myself from people, especially our father. I didn't realise what he meant until last year. Max was always so observant."

Thomas was watching them as Magnus stepped forward. "Angel was always my favourite X-Men character." Alec smiled and opened the comic book to the first page and began to read.

Thomas stood, gesturing for Magnus to follow him. He pressed a small button on Alec's bed head before they left.

"What's that button?" Magnus asked when they were outside.

"It calls someone to watch him." Thomas said.

"Oh." Magnus followed Thomas to the elevators. He pressed the down button and an elevator immediately opened.

"How are you holding up?" Thomas asked as they descended. Magnus shrugged.

"I don't know." He rubbed his eyes. "I feel fine but every time he says something about being surprised that people care, it just…" He sighed. "Kills me inside. And how he got like this, that too. I never know what to say to him, I don't know how to help him."

"You do, you've been saying the right things." Magnus blinked.

"I guess." He didn't sound sure.

"You should go home, get changed. Alec will be here when you get back. It's the school holidays now right?" Magnus nodded. "You should tell your parents where you are too, they're probably worried sick." Magnus flinched. The elevator opened to the lobby and they stepped out.

"My father's in jail and my mother is permanently drunk or comatose, she doesn't know who I am, let alone where I am or how long I've been out."

Thomas smiled at him sadly. "Call me if you need anything." He patted Magnus on his shoulder and stepped back into the elevator. Magnus watched as the doors closed before heading outside to find a bus stop.


	7. AUTHOR NOTE

Greetings dear readers,

Due to this platform being completely difficult and ridiculous to use, I have begun moving my work to archive of our own.

you can find it at /user/howstimulatingtheboredom

if this url does not work for whatever reason, you can find my tumblr under the username howstimulatingtheboredom

I should be updating them soon, but frankly school is ridiculous at the moment and my mental health has metaphorically taken a leap off a cliff.

I haven't abandoned these fics

catcha ;)


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